Back in November, during the final stages of the first hostage deal with Hamas, the families of Israeli women still in captivity began to imagine their relief. Sleepless nights turned into anticipation for a phone call that would say, "She's on her way home."
"I didn't believe there was a chance she wouldn't be part of the deal," said Simona Steinbrecher, mother of Doron Steinbrecher who was kidnapped from her home in Kibbutz Kfar Aza.
"The mothers and children had already returned, and they started with releasing the women. We had a feeling that by Thursday night, we'd get the call and meet her," she recalled. " Amit Soussana returned. She lived in the room next to Doron at the kibbutz. I was awake all night, waiting for the long-awaited call,” she added.
The excitement and anticipation were dangerous even at the time. Unsynchronized lists were circulated and the families tried to hold on to any piece of information. Like Simona, Shirit Yerushalmi also expected the release of her daughter, Eden Yerushalmi, who was kidnapped from the Nova Music Festival.
"We were euphoric. We felt she was coming back. We prepared food, friends came over. My brother even slept at my home and we were already laughing. I felt joy in my heart,” she recounted.
Yifat Zeiler, cousin of Shiri Bibas, said she had started to worry back then. "There was great uncertainty. Every talk was speculative because they discussed women and children, but then we were suddenly surprised. I never imagined they wouldn't come back, not even in my worst nightmare. I thought they'd maybe delay on the last day because Hamas knows how much Israel is waiting to see them," she said.
"I remember sitting in front of the television every evening, watching everyone's return. We debated whether to buy diapers for Kfir or get them new clothes. Their house was burned down, and there was nothing usable. We decided not to jinx it, to not buy anything until they returned. The days passed, and I didn't even notice we were on the last day of the deal. To me, Hamas would send a list every day."
The families’ heartbreak was immense. "We turned on the television and saw that the fighting had resumed. My body trembled, we were in shock and we realized it was over. I felt as if she’d been kidnapped all over again," Shirit Yerushalmi shared.
Yifat described how her world darkened as she watched and, shortly afterward, the painful news reached the family. "Only an hour later, Hamas issued a statement claiming Shiri and the children had been killed. Everything turned dark. Since then, neither the IDF nor any intelligence agency has been able to confirm or deny it."
Now, with the optimism about the negotiations, excitement has started to build once again. Families allowed themselves to imagine their loved ones at home. "I wonder what the red line will be this time," Yifat said.
"We cried out that the return of the hostages isn't the ultimate goal of the war from the day it began. It was clear there wouldn’t be a deal now. This is a political war of interests and they still ask us not to mix politics into it,” she said.
"In November, they waited for Hamas to make a mistake to return to fighting. They sealed the fate of the hostages who were supposed to return that day and those who would have come back in the following days," according to Yifat.
“Our interest should be to bring them back. Instead, we're getting them in coffins; they're dying in there. We saw it this week when the bodies of six hostages were recovered. We can't let this continue. They're selling us a victory but aren't saying that the real victory is bringing all the hostages back home," she said.
"The decision lies solely with the prime minister. He said he’s good at making deals, so I expect that from him. We're starting to hear voices saying there might not be a deal and that scares me," Simona, Doron's mother, added.
“I so badly want her to come back. We can’t move forward without the first phase of the deal, and if it doesn't happen now, I don't know when it will. We must realize the urgency. Our country has survived for nearly 80 years; we can't fall apart now. And that's what will happen without them."
The pain of the families continues but also becomes routine. The counting of 321 days has already been lost, the seasons are changing and soon Israel will mark the Jewish High Holidays – and Simchat Torah – without them. "I'm afraid of reaching the milestone of a year. I'm scared we’ll start counting in years," Shirit Yerushalmi said.
"At first, we counted Saturdays. We said, 'Wow, this is the second Shabbat that Eden isn't home.' Then came the fifth. We stopped. We lost count. I’m in turmoil. I can’t listen to all the opinions and analyses; I don't have the patience for it. Instead, I choose to talk about Eden and the other 108 hostages. We can't forget them. I want my daughter home — now," she said.