On January 1, millions of people worldwide make New Year's resolutions, and according to statistics, roughly 80% will abandon them before February. While conventional wisdom blames this failure on a variety of reasons, among them, taking on too much at one time, or lacking genuine commitment, Jewish teachings offer a more profound explanation: we all possess a fundamental split desire.
Ancient Jewish wisdom recognizes that humans naturally seek good but in two opposing ways. We simultaneously desire both immediate gratification and long-term fulfillment. When someone commits to quit smoking, they genuinely want the long-term health benefits of being smoke-free. Yet, they also crave the immediate pleasure of lighting up a cigarette and taking a long slow pull of that nicotine-enhanced breath that makes them feel alive even as it moves them one step closer to death.
When we pledge to exercise more, we sincerely desire the lasting benefits of good health, but we simultaneously want the enjoyment of eating a large piece of chocolate cake or the comfort of staying in bed for an extra hour instead of going to work out. Whatever the example may be, the conflict is there.
Experience tells us that humans will always choose what brings us the most pleasure. We are, at our core, pleasure-seeking beings – everything in your life you choose because you believe it's going to give you pleasure. From our choice of spouse to our vacation destinations, all of our decisions are driven by the anticipation of enjoyment. The challenge lies in recognizing that pleasure comes in two distinct forms: the intense, effortless kind that comes from immediate gratification, and the deeper, more meaningful, long-term satisfaction that stems from personal growth, discipline, and self-respect.
In order to tap into the more qualitative long-term pleasure, it takes momentary discomfort and pain. Getting out of bed for a morning run involves losing the comfort of a warm blanket and the temporary pain of physical exertion, but it yields a more lasting pleasure of self-respect and improved health. Saying no to a cigarette is momentarily losing out on the enjoyment that the cigarette brings, but leads to the deep satisfaction of taking control of one's life and long-term health. Understanding this duality is crucial for anyone serious about keeping their New Year's resolutions.
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So when it comes to our resolutions, you should make them but do so with the above in mind, recognizing that any long-term successful resolution will require going through temporary discomfort. Similarly, anyone looking to make successful, lasting resolutions this New Year’s, should have a practical strategy that offers a proper framework for success.
There are four essential elements to making resolutions that you can stick to. The first is to make your resolutions very small. Something that you can do frequently but easily. Don’t commit to going to the gym three times a week. Rather commit to doing ten push-ups on a regular basis, and build up from there.
Judaism does this well by instructing a host of laws or commandments that people can do every single day, simply small things that build up one’s history of successes to show yourself that you can do it, that you can initiate a positive change.
Number two, have an accountability partner. Whether this is a coach, a friend, a spouse, or even a diary or phone reminder, have someone else be there whom you need to report that you have indeed succeeded at your goal.
In Judaism, we believe that the Almighty keeps an account of everything we do here on earth, but we don’t only rely on God we also have study partners (Hevruta in Hebrew) a friend to whom we are accountable when we study, or a Rabbi and other members of our family and community who rely on us to fulfill our obligations. Accountability is incredibly important in maintaining consistency.
Rabbi Dov Ber Cohen Photo: CourtesyNumber three, have a positive reinforcement reward system when you succeed. This doesn’t have to be big, but it should be something. The ultimate reward is obviously feeling good about yourself for maintaining your resolution and getting healthy or gaining control of your life, but the short-term rewards will also help get you over the short-term discomfort you may feel by doing the action you are committing to. This could be something small for example putting a few dollars aside each time you do the push ups, and saving them to buy yourself something nice at the end of each week or month that you are successful.
Number four, Is your attitude toward growth. Growth that is motivated by pressure, guilt, comparison, or fear is rarely healthy or successful. We should see growth as an opportunity and an adventure. As King David said “Serve the Almighty with joy” - our personal and spiritual growth should be committed yet joyful.
The magic happens when you combine these practical steps with the understanding of your split desire. Recognizing that you're not fighting against yourself, but rather choosing between two different types of pleasure, transforms the challenge.
You're not giving up pleasure – you're trading the fleeting satisfaction of immediate gratification for the profound pleasure of personal growth and self-respect, and you have the steps and safeguards in place to not only keep your resolutions but transform yourself and learn to appreciate that temporary discomfort is not your enemy but the gateway to a more meaningful and pleasurable life in the long run
- Rabbi Dov Ber Cohen is an author, a senior lecturer at the Aish World Center in Jerusalem and founder of Living in Tune: Authentic Jewish Mindfulness which offers online courses and in-person retreats