Privacy is a powerful word with a broad meaning, and for teenagers, it has become almost sacred. Their phones, tablets, and computers hold their deepest secrets, guarded 24/7 by a password. And us parents? We have no access—this is their private space.
Privacy is like clothing; it shields us, allows us to feel protected, and lets us hide what we wish to keep to ourselves. It enables the soul to move without shame, knowing there are private spaces free from the gaze or ear of others. Parents are expected to respect their children's privacy, but they also need to protect them from a reality where they're exposed without any defense.
Screens allow access to unguarded spaces, unsafe experiences, and countless temptations that demand the watchful eye of a responsible adult who knows when to step in. When privacy is revered above all, teenagers are left exposed, without the protection they need. Sanctifying privacy in certain aspects leaves parents outside the loop, blind and often frustrated.
The right to privacy that we rush to defend can severely impair parents' ability to fulfill their basic responsibility: protecting their children's well-being. Online, under the guise of sacred privacy, children navigate a world where their personal space is entirely exposed, within a heavily monitored environment.
The Role of Parenting
Before parents "train" themselves to step back and grant privacy, they must ensure their children have the right protection in place.
The Digital Sandbox: Dive into it with them. Be curious about the language, norms, and messages circulating online. Watch screens together, raise discussion questions, and gently infuse values, points of reference, authority, and boundaries.
Trust as a Goal, Not an Assumption: Parents often believe they know what's happening behind the closed doors and passcodes. It's crucial to evaluate how well-founded and stable the trust between you and your children really is.
Eye Contact and Communication: Direct communication, interested dialogue, mutual engagement, and significant parental presence allow parents to peek into the secret space, identify potential dangers, and take action when needed.
A Steady Inner Voice: Parents stand on the "seesaw" against the vast forces of the internet. Their voice must be deeply rooted, clear, and stable. Even then, the digital temptations may overpower us, and despite all the conversations and warnings, they might still send that picture, chat, or meet with a stranger. For those moments, we need to stay vigilant, monitor, and understand that a crisis can strike at any time, in any home.
Belonging and Self-Worth: Adolescents with a strong sense of self-worth are less likely to be swayed. Their inner voice will be more resilient against dangers and temptations. Self-worth isn't built from talk, therapy, or compliments but from a strong sense of belonging, perseverance, overcoming challenges, and feeling needed. Help them build it.
Be "Grandma Dina": The teenage soul is the same now as it was in the past, maybe even more emotionally fragile and in need of protective layers. Think with the logic of the past: Is it right for young children to lead secret lives without any supervision? Is it right to allow them to dwell in dangerous spaces filled with inappropriate content without any restrictions? It's okay to be old-fashioned, like my mom (Dina). It's better to be cautious and protective than permissive and endangered. There are no shortcuts in raising children.
Guidance and Supervision: Before handing them the keys to an unprotected world, create a signed usage agreement and ensure they adhere to it.
An Open Door and a Safe Haven: Be the person they turn to in moments of pain or crisis, even in moments of shame after a mistake. Build a stable parent-child relationship that they can lean on, not a rigid one that pushes them away. How? Through personal conversation, non-judgmental communication, clear expectations, boundaries, care, and knowing their interests and relationships.
It is better to "invade privacy" than to let harm occur under its protection. Online harm can be severe, often hidden by shame, and can send ripples of pain throughout a teenager's life and those around them. When a parent senses that "something's wrong," when screen use becomes obsessive or addictive, pause and investigate what's drawing them in. Checking a teen's phone, where inappropriate sexual communication, delinquency, or gambling might be happening, is legitimate and necessary. In such situations, teenagers often yearn for someone to pull them out of their privacy bubble. When caught, they often report feeling relieved—ashamed, but safer. Sometimes, parents need to rescue their children from the privacy that isolates them in pain.
Privacy has many layers, some of which should indeed remain sacred and respected. However, there are layers where anchors need to be set, reference points for examining life's realities—anchors that allow children to choose the right paths that move them forward rather than being swept away by social currents. Allowing them privacy when they are hurt, vulnerable, hiding, and seeking protection through followers and external validation is a parental failure.
Sacred privacy, devoid of any oversight, is only appropriate when a teenager is capable of self-care, has a stable sense of self-worth, can assess reality, delay gratification, and has an appropriate threshold for frustration. Only when they are properly "clothed" with the right protection, with parents attentively present, does this kind of privacy have a place.