Following the devastating news we received in the last few days, when disaster follows disaster, we must lift our heads and overcome tragic news, sending the nation to spiral in sorrow. Sadness is a natural feeling, manifesting in a lack of energy, rotten mood, lack of general interest, and withdrawal into self. How do you react when your partner is plagued with sorrow?
Noa Optovsky, a social worker and criminologist, asks you to hold your partner's hand when they're going through this sadness: "In moments of abysmal sadness, when the soul seems to fall into a deep and dark abyss, the most important thing is another person who will hold our hand during the fall. This person can't stop the fall, can't change the abyss, and can't illuminate the darkness but the feeling we get when a hand holds us, and a soothing voice calms us, without lying that 'everything will be fine', without reducing our pain, but simply being with us in the depth of the pain, they are critical in those difficult moments."
"After loss, grief or disaster, it can take months or years until a person feels like themselves again but a partner's hand can help, as well as kind, loving eyes staring to welcome them back," she added.
Kobi Turgeman, a clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and a couples therapist, suggests you check how to adapt the environment to your partner's ailment. "Try to make your environment calm and supportive. On the physical level, look around for a moment. Is the TV too loud and showing the news? If so, then maybe turn it off or down to create a quieter or more relaxing environment. The second step is to check if there is food available at home. It should be small snacks that won't burden digestion because the mood changes affect hunger."
"Next, let your partner know that you are there for them. There is no need to force them to share, just provide the feeling that your home is a safe space. Imagine your partner is carrying a huge bag with a heavy load inside. Ask yourself which parts of this burden you are willing to shoulder to make it easier for them. This can mean taking on several tasks, or just sitting together quietly. It's okay to cry or be anxious these days," he said.
Tali Rosenbaum, a certified marriage and sex therapist, suggests you remember that everyone has their own unique way of dealing with sorrow. "It is important to understand that each partner has an immediate reaction to trauma and shock. One person can go into a state of hyperactivity and another person will disconnect and act passively. We are all different and each of us responds differently. Communicate and see what each one needs from the other side."
"There are all kinds of support," she said. "It's okay that we don't always want to turn to our partner first. Sometimes as a mother, I would prefer to be supported by other mothers or religious leaders from the community. Just be aware that everyone reacts differently to trauma. Some couples will find it difficult to communicate during any period.
Shai Spitzen, a clinical social worker and couples and sex therapist, suggests that we listen to the words of the grieving partner. "See if there are words that repeat themselves and can indicate what they are currently experiencing, and simply be there for them. Don't try to solve the problem, because we can't. Hug them, be with them through their pain, and reflect their sadness. Our very presence as partners is already something that can be very supportive. You don't have to do too much, just be there with them."
"It is possible to offer relief at this time. For example, help with cooking or with the children. Take more of the shared burden. Those who have not experienced loss may not be able to fully understand what the other side is experiencing, so legitimize the pain, and encourage getting professional help."
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'Our very presence as partners is already something that can be very supportive'
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Ayelet Koren, a couples and family therapist, sensitively examines what the grieving partner needs. "The first thing we would like is to help, fix, restore our partner's mood. It is difficult for us to see our partner suffer. However, it is important to validate the person's feelings. Instead of trying to fix the situation, give suggestions or get emotionally involved with your partner."
Clinical psychologist Roy Samana wants to avoid trying to solve the problem. "People, especially men, tend to want to 'give something' like advice in such situations," he said. "Some people think If they don't give advice or a practical suggestion they will feel helpless. But usually, the grieving person simply needs someone who would listen and hug them."
"Sometimes you can ask your partner: What do you need? Sometimes they won't know how to answer and you can try several options. But in any case, I would avoid giving advice or trying to 'solve' the sadness. Surprisingly, the less we rush our partners, the higher the chance they will move on and return to normalcy," he added.