Parents are not to blame for the difficult situation that has arisen and the distress that their child is experiencing. However, as the "responsible adult," you are the ones who, more than anyone else, are required to help your child overcome the difficult situation they are in. Indeed, it may be confusing and overwhelming, but responsibility is not about blame. How can you act to help your child overcome the crisis they are in?
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The first and most important component in dealing with the situation is communication with your children: to talk, talk and talk. An open conversation with your son or daughter can be very helpful, and even life-saving.
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An open conversation with your son or daughter can be very helpful, and even life-saving.
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Holding such a conversation is not simple. That seemingly natural and straightforward act of having a conversation at eye level with my child becomes a challenge when our children are in a deep mental crisis. At these moments, thoughts may cross your mind such as, "There's no chance! She doesn't want to talk to us!" and "But we're not professionals, we don't know how to do this."
Well, it may seem like they don't want to talk. Depression causes overall energy levels to be low, and in certain cases rebellious and aggressive behavior accompanies depression. (And who can we get angry at if not ourselves? Our parents, of course.) It is important to know and understand that this is a deceptive and misleading state. Deep down, children want to talk; they want to share, and they want someone to be with them through this difficult and unbearable experience.
Indeed, you are not "experts," but you are the parents of your child, and there is no one in the world more suitable than you to handle such a conversation. Remember that you are your child's natural support system. The initial conversation with you and the subsequent conversations are important and irreplaceable.
Therefore, even if you feel it is difficult, even if your child expresses to you that they don't want to talk – especially not with you, don't give up. Let them know that you care and that you want to talk to them and help them, even if they are angry or agitated. Don't be alarmed by their nervousness; try to remain stable in the face of it – it's important.
Since having such a conversation is not easy to execute, here are some guiding principles that will help you navigate it successfully. We will address both the initial conversation, which should include an explicit and direct reference to the issue of distress, and the subsequent conversations. Adapt the relevant principles to your specific adolescent.
Choose an appropriate time and place. To ensure that the conversation is meaningful and effective, it's important to have it in comfortable conditions that allow openness, attentive listening and genuine sharing. Choose a "different" time – a quiet time without distractions, and especially without screens in the background, as well as without work notifications and without younger siblings who may interfere.
Truly listen. With kind eyes and a loving heart - without criticism, anger, or judgment. Genuine listening is an action that requires effort and focus, and it is the most important thing your child needs right now. True listening means making an effort to deeply understand what your son or daughter is going through, without preaching, without lecturing, without getting angry and without being judgmental. The goal is to genuinely listen, with a curious and interested attitude, with all our attention.
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To ensure a meaningful and effective conversation, choose the conditions that allow openness, attentive listening and genuine sharing
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You can ask, for example, "What happened? How do you truly feel? Tell me about this pit you're in, I want to genuinely understand what you're going through. To get to know this pain you're carrying, that you're dealing with." In fact, the rule of thumb is that the less you talk in this conversation and the more the adolescent talks, the more you can understand that the conversation is working and that you are truly reaching them.
It's important to understand that the goal of the conversation is not to solve your child's difficulty or problem. It's not our task to make it disappear or find a magic way to change the situation. Such a scenario is not realistic. The young people before us know this, and they themselves do not expect an immediate solution. Statements like "It's not that bad," "Life is beautiful, look how successful you are" or "Nothing happened, everything is fine" are not effective.
An adolescent in crisis feels that the situation is currently very much not okay, everything is definitely not fine. So, what then? Simply say, "I hear you, I understand it's very difficult for you, I'll be here with you, and together we'll get through this. Together."
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Simply say, 'I hear you, I understand it's very difficult for you, I'll be here with you, and together we'll get through this.'
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You can imagine an intense crisis as a situation where a person is in a dark room without windows or a sliver of light. In such a situation, the best way is to sit next to them and say: "Indeed, it's dark here, and it's very cold and difficult. But we're together." Validating the child's experience, accepting that it is indeed a very difficult situation, and acknowledging the large cloud of darkness surrounding them, is an essential part of alleviating the threatening sense of loneliness.
Beyond the importance of sharing, the conversation is crucial because it allows the adolescent to express their distress: from a general feeling of heaviness, darkness, vagueness and gloominess to something that can be described in words. From a cognitive perspective, it requires an action of bringing logic, sequence and a narrative into a murky experience that may not be verbal at all. Sometimes, this transition itself can be helpful.
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It is important to be cautious not to over-identify with the child who feels that everything is lost.
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'To be there' - but not to over-identify. However, while being willing to "be there" for our child, and sitting by their side in their dark experience, it is important to be cautious not to over-identify with the child who feels that everything is lost. Strong emotions have a tendency to be contagious. If our son or daughter feels that the end of the world has come, it is important not to fall into those difficult places with them.
To help us understand this, let's imagine that our child who is trapped in distress is inside a deep pit, struggling to get out. And what does a person in a pit need? Above all, they need another person who cares for their well-being, who recognizes their distress; a person who is outside the pit and extends a stable and trusting hand to help them get out. That hand is the hope that we will write about in the following lines. In order to offer hope and assist in coping, you must keep yourselves outside the pit.
Ask directly about suicidal thoughts. And after we have listened, if we feel there is any risk or concern of self-harm, it is important to ask our son or daughter direct questions about suicidal thoughts. The myth that talking about suicide "puts ideas into the minds of adolescents" is incorrect. Clinical experience and research evidence indicate that direct questioning allows for direct and honest answers, and doing so can save lives. It can help if you explain why you are asking. For example: "I've noticed that you've been very sad lately, do you have thoughts of hurting yourself?"; "I see that you're shutting down and getting irritable and going through a major crisis, do you have thoughts of suicide?"; "You know, people in difficult and painful situations sometimes think suicidal thoughts, do you have any thoughts like that?"
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It is important to ask our son or daughter direct questions about suicidal thoughts
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Such questioning, which explicitly mentions the word "suicide," actually conveys to our children the message that they can also talk to us about it, they can talk to us about distress, pain, hopelessness and even suicidal thoughts. The message that we are not afraid to bring up this topic is important and life-saving. In order for our children to be able to openly talk about suicidal thoughts, and perhaps even a "suicidal plan," they first need to hear these words from us.
When we are ready to say 'suicide' explicitly, we also allow them, if they experience suicidal thoughts, to tell us about it. Therefore, if you are concerned, if you see the suffering in their mental state, if you identify risk factors, it is important to ask. If we don't ask, there is a chance we won't know, and there is a risk that we won't be able to help! It is important to reiterate the rule: "If there is a doubt, there is no doubt." Based on the answer you receive from your child, you will know how to act.
Provide hope and suggest coping strategies. After truly listening and validating our child's difficult experience, and after asking directly about suicidal thoughts, we can offer windows of hope. As mentioned before, adolescents in distress and crisis find it difficult to see alternative solutions and tend to dismiss existing solutions. They tend to see reality as if everything is truly black. However, we know that for every problem there is more than one solution, and it is important to emphasize that the distress is temporary. We can gently deduce the existence of other solutions to the situation.
You can ask them about their past coping strategies that worked for them, about ways they know to distract themselves - such as 'what improves your mood?', and you can ask about people or actions that make them feel better. They know it better than anyone, but sometimes they need to be reminded and they need to talk about it.