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Sex. Everyone talks about it—or at least thinks about it. But when it comes time for a real conversation, the room suddenly falls into an awkward silence.
"What, am I supposed to tell him I don’t like that?"
"I don’t want him to think badly of me."
"Maybe he’ll figure it out on his own."
Here’s a hint: He won’t. No one is a mind reader—unless they’re a magician in a mentalist show, and even then, there’s always a trick behind it. So if you don’t speak up, how will he ever know?
You deserve to enjoy sex
Sex isn’t just physical. It’s about connection, communication, and intimacy—elements that strengthen a relationship. But if you’re not enjoying it, don’t feel satisfied, or go along with things just because "that’s how it’s done," it’s time to talk. Yes, it can feel awkward or even nerve-wracking. But let’s break it down: What’s more attractive—someone who clearly expresses what they like, or someone who stays silent and just hopes for the best?
The truth is, he doesn’t automatically know what you like. No one comes with an instruction manual. So if you want to try something—say so. If there’s something that doesn’t work for you—speak up. If you’re interested in exploring toys or roleplay, don’t be shy. In fact, chances are, he’ll love that you brought it up.
Why do we stay silent?
Beyond growing up in a culture where women aren’t traditionally encouraged to speak openly about sex—where expressing desire is often seen as "unladylike" or "immodest"—many of us have been conditioned to think of sex as something that just happens. We go with the flow, let things unfold, and certainly don’t talk about it.
But think about it this way: When you order coffee at a café, you don’t just say, "Give me a coffee" and expect the barista to guess how you like it. You specify—"a strong cappuccino, no sugar, with frothed soy milk heated to exactly 62 degrees." Yet when it comes to sex and what you enjoy in bed, why do you stay silent?
It’s time to stop holding back and start talking about what makes you feel good—yes, even in the bedroom.
Guessing games don’t work—not in bed
First of all, take the pressure off. You’re not saying, "You don’t know what you’re doing." You’re simply saying, "I prefer it like this." Sexual communication doesn’t have to be only verbal. You can guide with your body, facial expressions, or even a subtle smile that says, "Yes, keep doing that."
When something feels good, don’t be afraid to show it. And if something doesn’t, say so. Don’t wait for him to figure it out on his own—it’s a waste of time for both of you, and more importantly, it’s a waste of your pleasure.
Open communication fosters intimacy. It builds trust, and nothing is more attractive than confidence. It also eliminates uncertainty—no more wondering, "Is she enjoying this?" A man who genuinely wants to please you wants to know what makes you feel good.
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Expressing yourself strengthens the entire relationship. When there’s open dialogue, both sex and the partnership as a whole flourish. And it’s easier than you might think. You don’t need a formal discussion with a PowerPoint presentation—just a little humor, a playful hint, or even a simple phrase like, "That feels amazing" or "I love it when you do that."
So put the embarrassment aside (or keep a little—it’s endearing), and don’t keep your desires and preferences bottled up, hoping things will magically change. Speak up. Because when you talk about what makes you feel good, it’s not just the sex that improves—it’s you. And you are at your best when you feel good.
Shirli Grayfner is a social worker and couples counselor.