It was Saturday morning, and my friend and I had set up a meeting with our kids. I had made a fruit salad and wanted to take it to my car when my 4-year-old daughter asked me to carry the bowl with the salad instead. I let her, and the bowl dropped and shattered right as we left the door. I started yelling, and she started to cry.
Now imagine dealing with the situation in another way. Anger management is an option, and getting angry is always a choice. Here are some tips to remember the next time you’re about to shout or yell at your children or partner.
1. Remember you're only human. So are your kids.
Sometimes we get angry, frustrated and shout. That's normal. The same goes for our children. It's important to allow a range of emotions at home. The home serves as a "laboratory" for life. At home, they'll learn how to love and how to express anger. How? By personal example.
Studies show that this learning process consists of 96% actions and only 4% words. After all, whom do we resemble most, our neighbors or our parents? What should you remember in this context:
- What do I want to teach and learn? These go hand in hand.
- What's my goal? For instance, teaching my children (and myself) how to manage anger constructively.
- What am I passing on? Consider the golden rule for life: "Practice what you preach." If, when I'm angry, I shout and insult, I can't expect my children to manage their anger themselves. When we understand that our children are our equals in terms of values, we can implement this.
2. Don't do things covertly that you'll regret once brought to light.
Did you shout? Hurt someone? Did you make a mistake? Apologize. It won't diminish your value. On the contrary, your children will learn that you're human and know how to take responsibility when needed and they'll behave the same way. Just make sure it doesn't happen too often because, in that case, the apology loses its meaning.
How do you ensure it doesn't happen too often? Stop, breathe and ask yourself what made you angry and if it's really that bad. You don't always have to react immediately. Often, it's the opposite.
Thoughtfulness and response after things have calmed down a bit will lead to a more constructive and effective conversation. Parents often fear that if they don't react immediately, the child or they themselves will forget what happened. So what? If you've already forgotten by the next day — that’s even better. Not everything requires immediate attention.
3. Stay firm in the face of their anger.
Don't be frightened by aggression, anger and shouting. It scares them enough as it is. They need you to be stable and know they can lean on you. Help them understand what's happening to them. How do you do this? Through naming — giving a name to their emotions.
For example: "I hear you're very angry right now," or "I understand you're very frustrated that we're only having one treat a day," and that's it, without climbing up the tree they've climbed, but while setting boundaries.
Every home should decide its boundaries. For example, physical violence, verbal abuse, kicking objects, etc. Just remember that these boundaries apply to you as well. It's very hard to teach a child not to curse if you occasionally call them "stupid," or "idiot," even if it's in jest or unintentional.