Have you entered a relationship with a narcissist, hoping that he or she might change? Don’t count on it. Research published this month in the Psychological Bulletin analyzed 51 studies involving 37,000 participants and examined whether narcissism is a trait that changes over a person's life. The answer was not optimistic.
Although researchers found that on average, the intensity of narcissism decreases as people age, the decline is moderate, if at all. But what exactly is narcissism? Self-love and the drive to be unique exist in us all and they are crucial. Narcissism drives us to achieve, gives us confidence, and can help us deal with challenges.
When does it become a problem? According to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the problem begins when a person needs constant self-aggrandizing, feels a sense of entitlement at every moment, exploits others for their needs, and cannot show empathy to others, meaning they cannot even sympathize with those around them.
When these symptoms are persistent and pervasive, causing distress or interfering with relationships, work performance, or other areas of life, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be diagnosed. Those with this disorder generally have a grandiose sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration and adulation, and a complete lack of empathy for others.
They are often preoccupied with thoughts or fantasies about attaining power and success or about their appearance, and they don't mind exploiting someone along the way, as it doesn't disturb their peace of mind.
Narcissistic behavior begins in early adulthood and affects all areas of a person's life. However, it’s important to know that not all narcissists look like little Napoleons obsessed with the pursuit of success, recognition, and power. Some manage to deceive others and even show sensitivity to rejection and criticism. They are sometimes suspected of having social anxiety, fearing not of being ridiculed as in cases of social anxiety, but rather that they will not be valued or will face criticism.
A third type of narcissists are extremely competitive individuals who will do anything to win and feel superior, even at the cost of trampling over competitors. A long-term relationship with a narcissist can be a jarring experience. Here are some clues to help you determine if you might be in a relationship with a narcissist:
1. They Are Self-Centered: You’re sitting down to eat, and somehow, you end up talking about their achievements, interests, or experiences. And when you try to share something about yourself, even the smallest detail, the conversation somehow returns to them.
2. They Lack Empathy: You had a tough day at work and tried to talk about it with your partner, but they do not seem interested. Instead of offering support or understanding, they change the subject and bring the conversation back to themselves.
3. They Need Endless Attention and Validation: Your partner prepared a presentation for work and showed it to you. You were tired, so you replied "nice" unenthusiastically. They go crazy with frustration and immediately call their mother to show her the presentation and get praise.
4. They Are Manipulative: Your partner makes you do things you’re not comfortable with. They say things like, "If you really loved me, you’d do this for me." They may also distort your words and make you doubt your memory or perception of events, a phenomenon known as gaslighting.
5. They Cannot Handle Criticism: You try to give feedback on something your partner did, and they immediately start defending themselves, then go on the offensive, shifting the blame to you, denying they committed any transgression at all, dismissing your feelings.
Like all human behaviors, narcissism is a spectrum, and not all narcissists are intolerable and impossible to be with or love. But it’s not always easy, and sometimes it requires professional support and guidance. This is certainly important if you feel that your relationship is becoming unhealthy or emotionally abusive. It’s not something to endure alone.
- Dr. Oren Tene is a specialist psychiatrist, director of the Public Mental Health Institute at Ichilov Hospital, and director of the Mentalics Center for Mental Health.