What hasn't been said about this war? That it took the best from us. It left behind grieving parents and orphaned children who will live until their last day in the shadow of the loved ones they lost. It filled Israel with many disabled and Post-traumatic stress disorder individuals. It undermined our sense of security and stole our innocence.
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And there's one more small, nagging thing that this war has stolen from us, but no one talks about it: complaints. This war demands that we bury any expression of dissatisfaction, acceptability, and sighs of frustration in the closet because, hey! Let's have some perspective. It's not the time to complain.
We've become beloved puppets of the wave of volunteerism and unity against all its twists, without realizing that the right to complain has been taken from us. It's one of the most basic rights of humanity, let alone parents, given to us for free and taking so much smoke out of us that is necessary for our continued existence as the backbone of the home.
So, while over a hundred people are still held captive by Hamas in Gaza, and hundreds of thousands of reservists haven't showered for months, I have two kids at home who argue every second. Well, maybe except when they're asleep. And if that's not enough, one of them refuses to put his shoes back because they're disgusting, and with the other one, I have to negotiate in a way that won't embarrass the neighbors just so he'll agree to go to bed. Never happens.
And every day for me is filled with more of these magical events that I just have to cry about a bit to my friends or family, but just before the sugar kicks in, there's this feeling creeping in that it's not all about perspective and proportion and saying a big thank you. But oddly enough, I want to say screw the world and go back to dealing with the little things, and I don't want to be that mom who tells her eight-year-old, "So, I bought you just a Snickers, not a gadget that costs as much as botox treatment. Stop complaining and get some perspective because it's not the time."
Or is it? I asked Dr. Ella Oren, a mother of three daughters and a clinical psychologist in her spare time.
So, do we even have the right to complain?
"Our brains 'broadcast' all sorts of thoughts. Think of our inner dialogue like the radio in the car: there are all sorts of stations, and we flip between them. Some people get stuck on the complaints station and then they'll generate a lot of complaints, while others might find other stations more dominant. When we complain, we're releasing some tension, frustration, or discomfort we have regarding some aspect of our lives. This release is one option out of many to neutralize tension, which sometimes occurs concurrently with complaining. For example, if on a Saturday evening, I'm stressed about a very busy week ahead in various areas of my life, I can either complain or look at my schedule to ensure it's somewhat manageable, or watch a movie to give my brain a break."
What are the main complaints of parents?
"Where do I start... Parents, and I include myself, of course, complain about the difficulty of balancing work and home life, the challenging morning rush to get the kids to various activities on time, the puzzle of afternoon activities and playdates, the dinner-time negotiations with the kids, the length of bedtime routines, the number of wake-ups in the middle of the night... What don't we complain about?"
Great. There's nothing like other people's complaints (especially from doctors) to make me feel better about myself. And tell me, how important it is to release some steam? Is it recommended even on war days, or is that a privilege and we should toughen up and endure it all?
"In a dignified manner, I want to give every one of you permission to complain, from now until forever. It applies even, and especially, on war days. Many times, patients in my clinic feel guilty about complaining when there are people who are more at risk, suffering more, and I immediately remind them of my rule: suffering isn't comparable. There's room for all of our suffering, believe me. But... there's a small caveat to this approval. A complaint is indeed an inherent right for us as parents and as human beings in general, but, and this is important 'but', we need to ensure that complaining is a way to release stress and not a discouraging mechanism that prevents us from acting, being active, and moving in the world. Like everything, balance is key."
And how not to pass it on to the kids? Can they complain too?
"Everything I've said so far applies to children as well in my opinion. When my daughters complain, I first try to remind myself that their complaint is not necessarily a sign that I'm to blame for something or that I'm not good enough. That way, I can make room for their complaint and its essence. Just as I'm allowed to complain, they're allowed to complain, as long as all the conditions I mentioned above are met."