When I take a moment to reflect on where it all began, my mind immediately goes back to the feeling of isolation I felt at the age of 16. Despite having friends, I couldn't connect with anyone on a deeper level and felt like an outsider. My passion for metaphysics and physics set me apart, as my friends didn't share the same interests.
I ended up spending time with them just to pass the time, which only intensified my sense of loneliness. On top of that, I struggled to perform well academically. The high school environment proved to be challenging, and the pressure to keep up with a substantial workload caused me to lose myself.
And then, it all came crashing down. Overwhelming sadness consumed me. I lost interest in activities that used to bring me joy, and life seemed devoid of meaning. While everyone else seemed to be enjoying their teenage years, I felt like an outsider in my own life.
At first, I kept these feelings to myself, going to great lengths to hide them from others. I felt immense shame and couldn't comprehend how I ended up in this state. As time went on, the weight of missing out on the best years of my life deepened my despair. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was wrong, but I knew something was off.
Finally, I confided in a teacher, telling her I no longer recognized myself and needed help. However, when she referred me to the school counselor, they didn't perceive any issues with me. It is only now, looking back, that I can identify what I was experiencing as depression.
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When I was 16, depression was a topic rarely discussed, with little to no information available online. It was almost taboo. This lack of understanding, both from within myself and my surroundings, led me to endure the difficulties silently. However, the intensity of the condition quickly grew, reaching a point where it could no longer be ignored.
The mirror showed a different person
The second time I came down with severe depression, I was 19. It happened when I was accepted into the combat training program in the army and was about to begin my journey in the IDF. I had always dreamed of meaningful military service, and I also had the physical capabilities for it. However, just before my dream was realized, everything fell apart. I completely lost myself. I cried incessantly and felt a complete lack of certainty, as if I had lost control over my life.
When I shared my situation with my superiors, they referred me to a commander who determined that I was unfit to be a combat soldier and decided to transfer me to the Military Police. This decision only worsened the situation. I couldn't see myself successfully coping with it and decided to desert and return home. This act of desertion resulted in me being sentenced to 21 days in military prison and another meeting with a commander, who this time concluded that I needed to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and prescribed antidepressant medication for the first time. The medication partially helped, giving me some relief, but the problem didn't disappear. Difficult emotions such as sadness, low self-esteem, sleep disturbances, loss of appetite and weight loss continued to accompany me even after I was discharged from the army.
And then it struck for the third time. One day, I woke up from sleep, looked in the mirror, and realized that I was no longer the same person who had gone to bed the previous night. I woke up all messed up, with dark thoughts and a decision that nothing I had achieved in life held any meaning.
From the moment depression took hold of me again, I quit my job and lost 44 lbs within a year. I stopped eating. Before the depression hit, I managed to train and engage in sports for several hours each day, but suddenly that stopped too. I physically couldn't handle it. I completely stopped sleeping. I spent hours in bed, trying to calm myself down to no avail.
People felt uneasy around me
I discussed my situation with my psychiatrist and determined that the medication treatment was ineffective. It was clear that a different approach was needed, such as combining different types of medications.
Unfortunately, even that didn't bring relief. I continued to experience severe symptoms of depression: sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and difficulty carrying out basic self-care tasks like showering. People around me noticed something was wrong, as my vacant eyes and demeanor were clear indicators of my struggle.
For the next eight years, I lived with a sense of desolation, perceiving the world through a bleak lens. Everything seemed devoid of goodness, and I carried a heavy burden of guilt, blaming myself for my circumstances. I tried various medication combinations and even sought psychological therapy, but nothing seemed to alleviate my suffering.
Despite the lack of progress, I refused to give up. I persisted in exploring new treatment options and eventually learned about a novel medication that had shown promise in helping individuals with severe depression. Intrigued, I decided to give it a try, and after approximately six months, I began experiencing significant relief.
Finally, I felt a shift within me. Today, depression no longer holds me captive. I have found a greater sense of inner peace and reduced judgment toward myself. My thinking matured and became clearer. I have even been able to pick up sports again, regaining the ability to make life decisions and take action.
Thanks to the new treatment, I gained a fresh perspective on the fears that had plagued me for years. I have come to understand the contributing factors to my condition, and their grip on me has begun to loosen.
To those who are suffering from severe depression, I want to offer a message of hope: there are options available to address treatment-resistant depression. Therapeutic innovations are providing hope and relief to thousands.
Depression can turn chronic, but it can be cured
Dr. Nassar Halim, a board-certified adult psychiatrist specializing in the diagnosis and treatment of psychiatric disorders, explains: "Major depressive disorder, or clinical depression, is a condition that lasts for at least two weeks and can persist for months. During this time, the individual experiences a low mood, lack of motivation, despair, lack of energy, low self-esteem and diminished confidence. Patients also report feeling physically weaker and finding simple tasks challenging: they wake up in the morning not knowing how to start the day and struggle to get out of bed. Appetite patterns also change, and the ability to concentrate is adversely affected.
Dr. Nassar Halim"A person who has experienced one episode of major depression is at a 50% risk of developing another. Furthermore, with each additional episode, the likelihood of further episodes increases, as does frequency. This is a process that can worsen and may become chronic: Depression can become a persistent condition.
"One of the central factors in the onset of depression is genetic predisposition, but not everyone with a family member suffering from major depression will also experience the illness. If a person grows up in a supportive and positive environment, without significant stress factors, they are less likely to develop the condition despite genetic predisposition.
"As for treatment – if the depression is relatively mild, we would first recommend non-pharmacological treatments such as psychotherapy. For more severe depression, we would recommend pharmacological treatment, with the most recommended approach being a combination of psychological therapy. For individuals suffering from treatment-resistant depression, a medication that is given intravenously and helps reduce the intensity of the condition's symptoms by about 50% within four weeks can be offered. Patients may experience side effects during the treatment, such as fatigue and drowsiness, but these generally pass within a few hours."