While we're constantly bombarded with messages that sex has countless benefits, from boosting our immune system to reducing anxiety, studies often overlook the real-world obstacles that can get in the way of our sex lives.
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The mess of daily life - dirty dishes, laundry, scattered toys - is just the beginning. Anxiety, exhaustion, and feelings of sexual ennui also pose formidable barriers. It's time we acknowledge these hurdles and start talking about how to navigate them.
Allow us to try to answer the million-dollar question: Can sexual attraction be reignited?
"I believe it's possible to bring back lust," says Shulamit Sperber, a licensed sex therapist and member of the medical team for sex therapy at Reuth Medical Center and Ishi clinic, the answer is yes.
"When we talk about lost lust, we, first of all, need to understand what happened along the way. There is always the stage of falling in love at the beginning of a relationship, which lasts between six months to two years. This is a kind of extremely fun rollercoaster ride that is fueled by hormones, with a fun bonus in which we tend to feel desire and more attraction and a yearning to be together. But with time the moderation sets in, which is normal."
According to Sperber, aiming to recapture the same intense attraction felt during the early stages of a relationship is often unrealistic. As individuals grow and evolve, they become more balanced and start to prioritize other aspects of life, such as their careers and friendships, leading to a natural shift in the focus of the relationship.
"The passion doesn't go away but it does calm down, especially when we undergo physiological changes such as childbirth, which has a significant impact on desire," she says.
"It's not something that can be rekindled without effort."
The sex expert further explains there is no longer a one-size-fits-all definition of "normal" when it comes to sexual activity. Instead, the term "sexual distress" can be applied universally to indicate when couples are experiencing problems related to their sexual practices.
"The question is not how many times a week you do it, but rather whether it causes distress. If a couple is content with having sex once a month, for instance, and it works for both partners, there is no issue," she says.
But if there is a significant disparity in desire between partners - one wanting sex every day and the other once every two weeks - it can lead to tension in the relationship, and therapy may be helpful in finding common ground that works for both partners."
Sperber emphasizes that reviving attraction in a relationship requires active communication and investment. "It's not something that can be rekindled without effort," she notes.
Digging deep - finding the root of the problem
When couples seek sex therapy from her, Sperber's first step is to rule out any medical causes that may hinder attraction. This involves checking hormone levels, erectile dysfunction, and pain during sex.
Once physiological issues have been ruled out, Sperber delves deeper into the psychological aspects of the relationship.
"I try to understand what happens in the bedroom: who initiates sex, how it happens, and whether it's appropriate," she explains. "Often, we discover that something isn't quite right - it's too forceful or too rapid. This is where communication between partners is crucial."
Sperber works with couples to identify what is appropriate and not appropriate for them in order to create a sexual space that yields a positive experience. "Our goal is for both partners to have fun and want to do it again," she says.
"Through observing them, we see when they curl up and how they move, and through this we know where they feel pleasure, what is most comfortable for them, what bothers them."
According to Sperber, a pleasant sexual environment is reliant on a couple's ability to communicate physically, not necessarily verbally. "Physical synchronization is crucial, in my opinion, to reigniting lost passion and it is what couples seeking to improve the quality of their sex lives should focus on," she says.
"Verbal communication is undoubtedly important in any relationship, but non-verbal communication holds great significance," she continues.
"Some people have a touch that just feels right. It's not a mysterious quality that cannot be learned; it's non-verbal communication, and it is a basic language that our souls all understand.
"You can see it in the way that mothers and babies communicate during the first year of life. Mothers instinctively understand their babies. Through observation, we can see when they curl up, how they move, and from this, we know where they feel pleasure, what is most comfortable for them, and what bothers them.
The language of non-verbal communication is our first language, and so our yearning for an attuned touch runs deep."
What about open relationships?
According to Sperber, non-monogamy can be considered a legitimate strategy for managing relationships, but it may not necessarily solve issues related to desire.
"In cases where desire is problematic, it is important to examine the underlying issues before rushing into an open relationship. Even if the decision is made to pursue non-monogamy, it should be done thoughtfully, with sensitivity and attention, and accompanied by therapy, in order to avoid damaging the delicate foundations of the relationship.
Sperber emphasized that sexuality is a dynamic aspect of our lives, and it is not what is portrayed in movies.
One of the best things a couple can do is to avoid comparing their sexual experiences with each other or with past partners. Instead, the focus should be on finding new experiences that are enjoyable and help build confidence in the relationship and the body. The ultimate goal is to establish a common rhythm that works for the couple in the present moment.