One of the significant challenges in relationships is confronting another person’s perception of reality, as it lies beyond our control and does not conform to our will. The encounter with the unpredictable and uncertain external world can unsettle us, leading some of us to retreat inward, creating a more comfortable, alternative reality to cope with.
This often happens after a breakup, when the emotional pain is overwhelming. Some may choose to believe that it wasn’t the partner who left, but rather that they rejected the partner first.
In more extreme cases, people may "celebrate" the loss instead of grieving, convincing themselves that life is better without the other person. They convince themselves that the loss isn't truly a loss, as the other person is deemed worthless and deserving of scorn—making it a relief to be rid of them.
In another scenario, someone may speak cruelly to their partner or even act violently, believing that an apology or a bouquet of flowers can easily undo the damage. They imagine they can rewrite history on their own terms. This "forgive and forget" mentality, which seeks to avoid facing the painful truth, blinds them to the impact of their actions and obscures the emotional reality of the relationship.
Psychology refers to this as "magical thinking," or omnipotent thinking—the belief that we are the sole creators of the reality in which we and others live, where our inner emotional world outweighs objective truth. In these cases, it’s not the actual events that matter, but rather what we think and feel is happening.
A separate reality
At its core, magical thinking is comforting because it’s based on a fantasy where everything is possible, and everything is under the mind's omnipotent control (remember the book The Secret?). This all-powerful fantasy supports the central illusion of magical thinking, making us believe we can magically escape the truth.
Lies, manipulations, and self-deception in relationships are expressions of magical thinking because they help us create an internal, alternative reality when the actual relationship is too painful to face. When we embrace lies or deceive ourselves, we’re trying to avoid the burden of confronting reality or thinking critically and deeply.
However, as is often the case in the human drama, our desire to ease our own discomfort through lies collides with the innate human need to seek truth and approach life with curiosity.
As psychoanalyst W.R. Bion put it: “Relying on psychoanalytic experience, I remember that healthy mental growth depends on truth, just as a living organism depends on food. If it is absent or insufficient, the personality withers.”
The price of magical thinking is steep because it relies on omnipotent fantasies to construct an alternative psychological reality, which the person experiences as more real than actual reality.
This kind of thinking uses an invented reality to replace the existing one, preserving the person’s inner world. In doing so, they learn nothing from experience, from engaging with the external world, or from the subjective otherness of their partner. They fail to enrich their own world and, in extreme cases, may become trapped in delusions and fantasies they’ve created.
In such a psychological state, the person is unable to learn from experience or even distinguish between being awake to reality or lost in their own world. For example, after a breakup, the individual won’t stop to grieve the loss and thus misses out on the psychological growth that could bring them closer to their emotional truth. They don’t learn why they were left or what they could improve for the future. Similarly, an abusive partner doesn’t confront their guilt, which could lead to genuine remorse and a sincere effort to repair the relationship through an honest encounter with the other.
When this happens, our emotional lives shrink, and we begin to see others merely as objects—tools for success, advancement, or false self-aggrandizement at their expense. Choosing lies and self-deception traps us within ourselves, leaving us isolated and disconnected from what could nourish us and bring us closer to our emotional truths.
In contrast to magical thinking, the pursuit of truth is an ongoing process of continuous engagement with reality, including its unknown aspects. Learning from experience inevitably involves frustration, while magical thinking, with its lies and self-deception, offers an escape from the pain and frustration that accompany real life.
It’s no coincidence that Freud outlined two key principles of mental functioning: the pleasure principle and the reality principle. According to the pleasure principle, the mind seeks to return to states of satisfaction and enjoyment, avoiding pain and frustration when reality becomes too difficult to face. The pleasure principle acts like a bubble, one in which a person continues to live as long as they find the desired satisfaction by retreating from external reality.
A shift from the pleasure principle to the reality principle only occurs when the expected reward no longer provides the same fulfillment. For instance, someone may fantasize about a perfect relationship or watch pornography to ease their fear of rejection. However, at some point, when these fantasies fail to offer the same satisfaction, they will need to step into the real world and seek an actual person. This shift inevitably involves the pain of disillusionment but also fosters learning, growth, and an encounter with the truth.
For some, this transition is particularly challenging, as it shakes their fragile sense of self-worth and security, undermining their authenticity and vitality. These individuals struggle to confront emotionally complex realities, making the move to the reality principle feel like a threat to their value or sense of safety.
Take, for example, people who believe in conspiracy theories or idealize someone they’ve just met. Whether we completely distrust reality (as with conspiracy theories) or fall in love with it (as in romantic infatuation), in both cases, we deny the unknown elements of reality and replace them with something seemingly familiar yet entirely fabricated.
So, when you meet someone new and find it difficult to endure the uncertainty that comes with getting to know them, instead of telling yourself (or them) little lies, weaving self-deceptions (“Of course, they’re into me”) or depressive thoughts (“They’ll definitely leave me”), try simply being in touch with the unknown. This uncertainty, anxiety, and the effort it takes can, in fact, foster moments of unplanned intimacy, bringing you closer to the relationship you’ve imagined.
True, confronting reality is not as immediately gratifying as indulging in illusions, just as long-term love cannot compete with the initial thrill of infatuation. The truth is shy; it needs time, patience, and a willingness to tolerate uncertainty. It requires us to slow down, let go, resist the temptation to identify with our desires and fears, and, most importantly, confront our need for certainty.
However, the truth only reveals itself when we surrender to reality as it unfolds, even if it causes discomfort. It invites us to experience ourselves in the uncertain moment without escaping into manipulations, self-deception or illusion.
So, if you’re seeking the truth, arm yourself with patience, openness and curiosity. Draw on your resilience to face the challenges, frustration and pain that will inevitably arise. If you avoid retreating into illusions and let go of conspiracy theories and lies, you will likely discover just how rewarding the truth can be—much like the rewards of long-lasting love, which, in the end, might just be one and the same.