"When I was married, there was a lot of criticism directed at me about our sexuality within the marriage. As far as my husband was concerned, I was some kind of nymphomaniac, and I remember how I really had to silence the passionate, sexual woman I was.
"So when I entered the dating world as a divorced woman, I carried that inner voice with me for a long time, a belittling voice telling me to keep a low profile. I also come from the religious-Zionist community, and for many years I worked as a sex counselor under the radar because I was afraid my profession wouldn't be accepted by my children's educational institutions," says Eden Ziv, a sex and relationship counselor trained in sex and couples therapy who helps individuals and couples reconnect with their bodies, desire, pleasure and love.
Ziv lectures on sexuality, relationships and personal empowerment, and facilitates women's and men's discussion groups. She joined the "Sex Appeal" podcast to discuss the journey divorced men and women go through as they rediscover their sexuality after marriage.
'People thought I'd lost my mind'
"I got divorced 27 years ago, after seven years of marriage and two wonderful children. One of the reasons I divorced was that the sex and the relationship weren't working," she admits. "I was 28, very young, and I felt tremendous guilt about having failed. For me, not being able to keep a family together over time felt like a terrible failure.
"On the other hand, it was also the moment when I told myself it was time to choose myself. I wasn't willing to continue that intergenerational pattern of being a submissive, diminished woman in a position of weakness. I wanted to start doing things for myself."
How did people react to your decision to divorce?
"Naturally, I encountered plenty of raised eyebrows. People thought I'd lost my mind, that I was going through some kind of rebellion and would soon come to my senses. But I didn't. And that's something many people who decide to divorce have in common: the realization that it's time to choose themselves, that it's not too late and that there's a wonderful opportunity for something new.
"I'm certainly not saying this to encourage people to end their relationships and get divorced. But I do think it's important for people to reach a place where they're capable of choosing themselves. And I chose myself. Once I did, I began exploring workshops, tantra and sexuality education because I knew they would help me live a life filled with pleasure."
What challenges might someone face after ending a marriage?
"The first challenge is the physical changes we experience, especially women. Most of us have been through pregnancies and childbirth. Our bodies aren't what they used to be. There are stretch marks, veins, cellulite, our breasts have changed. Then you enter the dating world as a newly divorced woman and start meeting new men, and suddenly there's a lot of anxiety about body image.
There's suddenly a lot of concern about body image
(Photo: Shutterstock)
"How will they react to my stomach, my breasts, the marks on my body, the fat, the changes in my weight? Things have changed. I'm not the same Eden I was when I got married all those years ago.
"This is something I hear constantly in the women's groups I lead: the fear surrounding their changed bodies. Men have similar concerns, including weight gain and hair loss. We're supposed to start something new, but we're already people with life experience, emotional baggage, past experiences, pain and inhibitions. And in the middle of all that, we're supposed to meet someone else who brings their own baggage.
"For example, a man once came to me for therapy because he was absolutely terrified. He believed his penis was small because that was what his wife had repeatedly told him. She constantly belittled him, saying: 'You have a small dick,' 'Your dick is worthless,' 'Your dick is so small I can't even feel it.'
"He was such a sweet man, but he was frightened of everything. He said to me, 'Eden, how am I even supposed to take that step? How do I meet new women after what I've been through?'"
Wow. So what did you do?
"We started working on his self-image, his connection to his penis and his relationship with his body. We worked on helping him connect with his penis in all its different states. It was incredibly moving to see the transformation that took place. It wasn't an easy process for him, but it was deeply meaningful.
We need to reduce our need for validation from others
(Photo Shutterstock)
"The words we carry with us, and the beliefs that others instill in us alongside them, affect people of every gender. They can influence us and our sexual performance for years."
Words can leave deeper scars than physical blows. They can echo in people's minds for decades.
"Exactly. Those words were still there, very present. I was deeply moved that he was able to come to therapy and that he specifically chose to go through this process with a woman to reconnect with that part of himself."
What does that kind of therapeutic process actually involve?
"First, it's about understanding what he thinks about himself and normalizing a lot of things. I talk with him about his personal experiences, about how he experiences his body. We discuss beginning to get to know his body differently.
"We also talk about self-pleasure, not simply masturbation. It's about exploring the body as a whole, not just the genitals. As a society, we place an enormous amount of importance on our genitals when it comes to sexuality, but our sexuality doesn't exist only in our genitals.
"Another part of the work was reducing his need for validation from others. We don't ignore what happened because we heard those words, and I can't erase that past experience. It happened. The words were spoken and heard. But the goal is to stop drawing your sense of worth from that experience or allowing it to control you.
"It's about understanding that the experience doesn't define you. I explained to him how incredibly important it was for him to build a strong sense of self for his own sake, not for anyone else's."
'They realize they have a problem with sex, and they don't want to carry it into a new relationship'
"That was his experience, but you also asked what else people bring with them into the dating world after divorce," Ziv continues. "Beyond low self-esteem, they bring a great deal from their previous relationships.
Sexuality is your gift to yourself
(Photo: Shutterstock)
"Women have told me in my clinic that they used to have sex just to check it off a list, that they didn't enjoy the sex they had with their husbands. Some experienced actual pain during intercourse because they weren't even lubricated. They come to me because they recognize that something isn't working in their sexuality, and they don't want to carry that problem into their future relationships.
"Sometimes they've been told they're 'frigid,' that they're not sexual at all, that they don't know how to have sex, that they're bad in bed, worthless, clueless or uninterested. They hear things like, 'Who would even want you?' Those cruel words continue to echo inside them. They tell me, 'Who would even want me? He said I was terrible, that I was awful, so why would anyone else want me?'
"And I tell them, we're going to go through a process that has nothing to do with the next man who comes along, or any of the men who might come after him. This is about you. It's a gift you're giving yourself because you deserve it.
"I believe we need to truly live our lives, not just exist on the sidelines. I don't want to live someone else's life. I don't want someone else defining my life. I want to live this life as fully as I possibly can, with complete presence, purpose and intention."
There's a stereotype that people become extremely sexually adventurous after divorce. People talk about divorced women wearing leopard print and going to sex parties. How much truth is there to that stereotype?
"The red lipstick and leopard-print clothing are such stereotypes, although I wore red lipstick and had red nails for years myself," she says, laughing. "I think it really depends on what stage of life you're at when you divorce. But some people develop this enormous appetite for life. At least initially, they want to devour the world, especially if they experienced almost nothing sexually during their marriage.
There is a stereotype that all divorced women wear leopard print
(Photo: Amir Yahel)
"And often, what drives that is the need for validation from someone else. To feel that I'm worthy, desirable, good in bed or wanted, I might try to have as many sexual conquests as possible. Those experiences aren't always balanced or beneficial, but there's also genuine curiosity involved."
So a lot of it comes from a sense of something missing? Because I feel terrible and I'm grieving my previous relationship, I want to prove to myself that I can attract anyone, that I can seduce people?
"Exactly. And that can lead to less positive experiences in those sexual encounters because when people approach them from a place of emptiness, things tend not to go as well."
For example?
"First, we expect the other person to fill that emptiness. But the other person isn't responsible for our orgasms, or for filling any emotional void we have. We need to do what I call working 'from the inside out.' We need to create that internal connection and then carry it outward.
"That means doing the work on ourselves first, connecting with our sexuality, our bodies, our pleasure, desires and fantasies, but also with our boundaries.
"We need to reach a place where we know what we want and what genuinely feels good for us, men and women alike. Only then can we enter experiences that are much more appropriate for us and encounter things that are truly empowering and healthy.
"But as long as we're being guided by other people's voices, including the voices saying, 'Go screw everyone, this is your time to go wild,' which are things divorced people say to one another, we may end up having experiences that aren't actually right for us."
That makes a lot of sense. Otherwise, sex becomes something you check off a list to prove you've done it and experienced it, rather than allowing yourself to be truly present.
"That's exactly it. Sex becomes mechanical, and people can come away from those experiences feeling hurt. There's also an enormous fear of being alone, a fear that nobody will want me. So when someone comes along who does want me, especially if they're pursuing us a little and showing interest beyond sex, we might say, 'Well, maybe I should give this a chance,' even if the person isn't actually right for us.
"And then we find ourselves in a situation that isn't necessarily good for us, one that doesn't always help us move forward."
What's the most common fear you've encountered in your clinic among divorced men and women returning to the dating scene?
"For men, it's mainly concerns about sexual performance. If they've experienced erectile difficulties or premature ejaculation, they're afraid those problems will happen again. Sometimes performance anxiety develops simply because they're so excited or nervous about meeting someone new. For these men, the need to perform becomes something that controls them. But what if I don't feel like having sex? What if I'm tired? Does that mean I'm not good enough? That I'm not sexual enough? That I don't want her? The meanings men attach to these situations can be incredibly restrictive.
"I led a men's discussion group some time ago, and there was one divorced man who was very macho. For almost the entire evening, he boasted about how great he was in bed, how successful he was with women and how he refused to commit to a relationship because that was the only way he could enjoy everything life had to offer. But as the evening went on, a different voice suddenly emerged. He became very vulnerable and began talking about his performance anxiety and the fact that he didn't always get an erection, something that frightened him.
"It was as though layers were being peeled away. You wouldn't believe what happened in that room. It was a defining moment, and it was incredibly moving. I paused for a moment and allowed some silence. Then I told him how moving it was to see him bring that vulnerability into the room because suddenly he didn't have to prove how macho he was. Suddenly, something genuine emerged. A vulnerable man showing his sensitivity is, in my eyes, one of the most powerful things there is."
How can people deal with sexual trauma or negative experiences from the past without allowing them to control a new relationship?
"I think the first thing is communication. Communication is the key, and it's one of the hardest things for us to do. We find it incredibly difficult to communicate what we truly need and want, and to talk about our difficulties and struggles.
"Performance anxiety, for example, often becomes a vicious cycle. Someone experiences it once in one relationship and then carries it into future relationships because the experience keeps echoing in their mind. That's where good therapy can really help heal the emotional wounds left by the past."